Stages in Mentor-Student Relationship

The mentor/student relationship typically goes through three stages:

• Developing rapport and building trust.
• Setting and reaching goals.
• Bringing closure to the relationship.

Mentors need to understand these stages and their roles in each.

DEVELOPING RAPPORT AND BUILDING TRUST

One of the best ways to build trust is to help students accomplish something that is important to them. Mentors must take the time to help students identify the goal(s) they want to accomplish, view it realistically, break it down into small steps, and explore ways of reaching the goal. Building trust takes weeks, sometimes months.

Testing will occur.

Students may be slow to give their trust, expecting inconsistency and lack of commitment, due to past experiences with adults. The mentor’s trustworthiness and commitment may be tested, particularly when students are from unstable backgrounds where they have been repeatedly disappointed by adults. During the testing period, mentors can expect:

• Missed appointments.
• Phone calls not returned.
• Unreasonable requests.
• Angry or sullen behavior.

Once the mentor passes the test, the real work of the relationship can begin. Mentors should remember that the issue is not whether students like them. Students are protecting themselves from disappointment. From their perspective, not having a relationship at all seems better than trusting and subsequently losing someone. These young people may come from families where nothing can be taken for granted.

• People living in the household may come and go.
• Frequent moves occur during the course of a year.
• The phone may be turned on and off.
• Food may be unavailable at times.

Remember, predictability breeds trust. The mentor must be consistent and accountable:

• On time for meetings.
• Bring promised information, materials.
• Follow through on promises and contracts that were volunteered.

One misstep, though it may seem small to the mentor, can assume great importance to the student. Through this difficult process, mentors need to be prepared, to understand, and to refrain from personalizing the experience.

Confidentiality:

The students may be unsure whether the feelings and information they disclose to their mentors will be passed on to teachers, parents, etc. Early in the relationship, mentors must provide reassurance:

• Nothing that the student tells the mentor will be discussed with anyone else except the Mentor Project Coordinator.
• If the mentor feels it is important to involve another adult, it will be discussed first with the student.
• If there is threat of physical harm to the student or to others, the mentor must break confidentiality to seek protection for the endangered person (including the threat of suicide).

SETTING AND REACHING GOALS

Once the "testing" is over, the rocky part of the relationship usually ends and the student becomes more committed. At times, however, old behaviors may appear, usually if the student is under stress. Now the mentor and student should identify and work toward some short-term goals. It is important that the mentor have the resources necessary or have access to them in order to achieve a fit between what the student wants to learn/accomplish and what the mentor can teach/share.

This is a time of closeness in the relationship. In general, students at this stage will view their mentors as important in their lives. Since each relationship is unique, the timing and intensity will vary.

When things aren’t working:

• The match/fit between mentor and student may not be right.
• Some students have been so disappointed and damaged by earlier experiences they are unable to risk taking advantage of a helping relationship.
• Some students will get stuck in the "testing" stage.
• Some students may drop out of the program or school.
• The mentor may feel burdened by the relationship and feel angry or annoyed by the youth’s behavior or words.

RELATIONSHIP CLOSURE FOR PLANNED TERMINATIONS:

• Use the closure process as a means to recall students’ progress and strengths.
• Help students grow from the process; reassure them about what they have learned and are capable of.
• Discuss some positive actions and directions for the future.
• Reassure students about your confidence in them.
• Mutually agree about how, when, or if you will stay in touch.
• Follow through on that commitment.
• A letter will be sent to the parent/guardian formally announcing the closure of the relationship.

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